Most scary movies that have been revamped for the stage—musical or otherwise—have thrived by adopting a campy tone. LITTLE SHOP… for example—or my favorite from the Edinburgh Festival two years ago, RE-ANIMATOR THE MUSICAL, straight from the mind of my uber talented pal, Graham Skipper. Even this season’s BEDBUGS!!! THE MUSICAL or last year’s SILENCE! THE MUSICAL. Hashtag, can we give the exclamation points a break?

There’s been much less, for whatever reasons, in the realm of truly frightening theatre. Classic SWEENEY TODD comes to mind, or an old favorite, AN INSPECTOR CALLS. I am still absolutely obsessed with CARRIE: THE MUSICAL, which played not so long ago at the Lucille Lortel. But there’s certainly a hole in the theatrical market here, and what better time than Halloween to fantasize about scary on stage. Here’s my off-the-cuff list of films that could be developed for the New York Stage, starting with the 5 Best—those I think could actually work—followed by the 5 worst, the ones that would surely flop and fail! Do you agree??

BEST ADAPTIONS

5    BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
I’m kind of shocked that this hasn’t already been done, but after a solid 30 seconds of googling, I couldn’t find a single production. Let’s face it: we all love the Frankenstein story. But theater audiences love a diva even more. And after Elvira, no other horror vixen does it for audiences like this lightning bolt-highlighted, barbed wire jewelry-goddess. And the casting possibilities are endless—after all, anyone, of any age, with the vocal chops could pull off the role under all that make-up. Hey, Ellen Greene, Heeyyy.

4    THE OTHERS
It’s no secret this Nicole Kidman flick is one of my favorite scary movies—the Alejandro Amenábar script is killer. And I’m not just saying that because Nicole and I share a dentist. He and Kidman apparently fought over the ending for a while—you can guess who won. Still, the movie is rooted in eerie dialogue, has a small cast, and doesn’t rely on complicated special effects a la post production. So, do-able on stage and could be a valuable vehicle for a Kidman-esque celebrity with designs on Broadway.

3    LES DIABOLIQUES
I loved this film—both the 1955 original and the remake with Sharon Stone, called simply DIABOLIQUE. A boarding school—read: excuse to use scantily dressed, Spring Awakening-aged actors—a sadistic headmaster, and a murder? Sounds like the formula for a great play. And a French title that rolls darkly off the tongue doesn’t hurt, either.

2    THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER
Here’s an excuse to bring the master of the macabre to the stage: Edgar Allen Poe, whose own life in New York was nothing but intoxicated and tragic. I was able to sit through the horror film THE RAVEN with John Cusack, but why not use Poe’s most famous work to create a stage production? The possibilities are endless. Let’s get the effects team from CURIOUS…DOG… in on this, asap.

1    ROSEMARY’S BABY
My numero uno pick is ROSEMARY’S BABY. Classic horror. And the action mostly takes place inside New York’s famed Dakota building, only twenty-some blocks from the theatre district. Because the film’s creatives had to rely on 1970s technology, all of the spine tingling effects are easily manageable using today’s technologies for the theatre.

WORST ADAPTIONS

5    THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
This wasn’t even a very good film. It’s homemade quality and signature extreme close-ups would lend themselves poorly to the stage. It would just end up as a small group of young people whining and whimpering. I mean… we already have THIS IS OUR YOUTH.

4    THE BIRDS
I admit, I wavered on which list this Hitchcock classic should appear—it could really go either way. But despite Hitch’s auteur filmmaking genius, the idea of fake birds swooping down over the orchestra ticket holders like the PHANTOM’s chandelier, screams over-the-top cornball. I remember the vines of the plant falling onto the audience as the lights went out, when the plant lunged toward us on the lip of the stage, shouting, “Feed me!” It worked for LITTLE SHOP… but wouldn’t for THE BIRDS.

3    JAWS
Water never works on stage. Remember the TITANIC debacle—the ship rarely sank in previews. It would have to be done conceptually like PETER AND THE STARCATCHERS and one could only suspect that would most certainly take away from the fear factor. The only people who seem to do well with water live are the incredibly creative team of Argentinians who brought us DE LA GUARDA—and let’s face it, they are not interested in commercial projects like shark movies. Now, SHARKNADO… let’s talk, Graham. I can hear some marketing idiot now: “Great White Shark on the Great White Way—genius!”

2    THE EXORCIST
I already weep for the actress with the burden of playing woefully possessed Regan on stage. And how could the priest fall down all those steps? You couldn’t do away with that iconic scene! Though, Linda Blair could produce a la Whoopie-SISTER ACT. Still, I couldn’t invest in this. A, because I don’t have any money. And B, because I do not see this disastrous undertaking in any way recouping.

1    ERASERHEAD
The film student in me—NYU, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (about six blocks)—worshiped this Lynchian roll of celluloid. But it’s a film classic, made exclusively for the big screen. The non-diagetic sound and gruesome insert shots would never translate. Still, if you haven’t seen it, and are game for being seriously distrurbed, it’s well worth a Halloween night Netflix. I remember a sound recording professor at NYU relating a short dialogue she had with Lynch on set once:

HER: Sorry, David, I’m still hearing the hum of the flourescent lights in the mics.
DAVID LYNCH: Don’t worry… we’ll add more in later.

Happy Halloween, everyone!