That was the punch line to one of my dad’s favorite corny jokes.

“How do you get to Carnegie Hall?“  (As in, directionally).

“Practice, practice, practice.”

But making it in the business of show is most certainly far less black and white. Everyone has a different path. I’ve written quite a bit about my journey as a performer, but what about the trials and tribulations of the producer? The theatre producer.

It’s no easy task, getting a show off the ground. And when you’re talking Broadway and Off B’Way, big money is involved. Films tend to recoup (make their money back) far more often. Think about it. Once a film is made and “in the can”, as they say—that’s not a bathroom reference; it refers to the canister that contains rolls of celluloid film—the movie has no more production expenses. Sure, the powers-that-be must still promote and distribute the film, but principal photography is wrapped and production, finito. In the theatre, every week paychecks have to roll out to union actors and crewmembers as well as make-up artists and ushers—not to mention the enormously expensive rental cost of a Broadway house. So shows on the Great White Way rarely break even. Really. For every WICKED, there are fifteen THE LAST SHIPs. Too soon?

So, as I work closely with the lead producer of my new play, acquiring investors and developing a smart marketing strategy, I spend a lot of time thinking about the elements that successful Broadway shows have in common. People outside of the industry rarely give it much thought. And since I get the best feedback on social media when I format my posts in a list, by all means, count away, Melvin Udall. Here are my seven picks for elements that tend to lead to a successful run of show on Broadway:

1   CAST AN ON-SCREEN PERSONALITY
That’s right, I said on-screen. Sounds odd, right? Wouldn’t a stage actor be best suited for stage work? Well, maybe, but here’s the problem: fourteen-year-old boys from Minnesota don’t know who Sutton Foster is. I mean, seriously. If you’re not a huge musical theatre fan and you’re from out of town, producers may as well put my no-name name on the marquee. Recognizable celebs from TV and films sell tickets.

2   REHASH A KNOWN STORY
A Christmas Story? YES! Elf? YUP. Carole King’s story? I KNOW HER! Grey Gardens??? Who cares about a garden and why is it grey?? So sad, but true. Incidentally, I ADORE GREY GARDENS.

3   DO A MUSICAL
The playwright in me dies a little each time I think this. But, unfortunately for dramatists, lighter musical theatre productions provide a fluffier escape and are more popular with audiences who don’t want to think too much—so, most people.

4   MAKE IT A COMEDY
In a similar vein, during tough times of recession and Ebola and Kim Kardashian, people want to laugh more than they want to feel introspective or disturbed. Of course, a comedy does not ensure laughter. The script and the actors actually have to BE funny—and not just to the producer and her mom.

5   MAKE IT CONTROVERSIAL
SPRING AWAKENING? Terrence McNally’s CORPUS CHRIST? Danny Radcliffe in the buff? All of these factors generate more press for productions and intrigue the morbid curiosity of ticket-seeking types. I call this, the “TMZ Effect”.

6   MAKE IT NOSTALGIC
Do I hear ALADDIN—your favorite Disney movie? Do I hear the music of Frankie Valli? Oh that reminds me, if you can make it nostalgic for baby boomers, all the better. There’s more of them—and they can afford to spend $200 on a rear orchestra seat.

How many of these will you find in my new play? Quite honestly, very few. However, it’s important not to overlook the most important element of all—my number 7—QUALITY. Only time will tell for my play… In the meantime, I can get my holiday shopping done thanks to commercial residuals. Oh… you haven’t seen my new national spot for Jimmy Dean with the sunshine guy? No problem. Just click HERE to watch it or be that way, and click HERE to send my artist survival-commercial career down the drain. Regardless, happy November soup, y’all!