I woke up to news this morning—perhaps you did, too—that Sting will be joining the cast of his “foundering” show—ugh, the nautical metaphors must be exhausting for producers—THE LAST SHIP, which seems to have one foot in a watery grave (sorry, couldn’t resist).

This was a perfect starting off point for my laundry date with pal and Broadway psychic, West Village recluse Love Kennedy. Love has been not-so-secretly predicting the hits and flops for the likes of serious investors in the Broadway community for over a dozen years. Often, producers don’t have the foggiest why an investor suddenly backs away from a promising production or conversely, goes chasing another producer down 45th street waving cash in hand. According to Love, his psychic intuition is only part of his sought after theatrical forecasting; his advice often stems from his background as a degree-bearing actuary—the folks who calculate finical risks based on statistical information. He admittedly failed the licensing exam. Still, that doesn’t seem to sway investors from seeking out his expertise for enough cash to keep this psychic from working a day job. According to one unnamed Broadway investor (with 3 current productions and multiple golden statues), he’s also an uncanny predictor of Tony Award Winners. Remind me to have lunch with Love this May, please.

Love and I washed three loads of color, one load of whites and a comforter. Here’s some of the conversational highlights:

ME: Where you surprised to hear that Sting is going into LAST SHIP?

LK: I’m more surprised that it’s still open. When will theatre-green rockers learn—wasn’t U2’s epic failure with TURN OFF THE TALENT enough? Success in pop music is near irrelevant to success on Broadway, aside from an initial push by the press. There are two camps when it comes to musicians outside the world of stage and a Broadway production.

ME: What are those?

LK: The JERSEY BOYS, CAROLE KING camp, where books are barely strung together by hits that boomer audiences already know—you can add MAMMA MIA! and
PRISCILLA… to this category. Then there are the musicals that rockers compose original material for, which almost always fail. Why? Who knows. Quite possibly because they’re writing out of their genre. Aside from Elton John, those who have been able to succeed in this arena are few and far between. And Elton John, ironically, can largely thank “the Taymor” for LION KING’s endless box office blitz.

ME: Any purely psychic intuitions about the upcoming year on Broadway?

LK: I’m feeling the return of downtown icon John Cameron Mitchell will usher in a fitting end to the inch-by-inch extensions of HEDWIG on Broadway. I don’t know that he will generate ticket sales like NPH, an in-your-living-room celeb and middle America-acceptable member of the pseudo-non-mainstream. But JCM will obviously rock it out! Hopefully, he’ll do so in a new way, not by pulling an Alan Cumming, rehashing a role from the same bag of tricks.

ME: What else is closing? I mean, sooner than investors might hope?

LK: I think ELEPHANT MAN will survive until its February scheduled closing but I don’t think it will extend. Without Bradley Cooper, the topic won’t maintain box office momentum. I think THE RIVER might also last until February—but just barely.

ME: I sense your psychic intuition expects the production will struggle?

LK: Nothing psychic. I saw the show and it was godawful. Above all, Hugh Jackman’s following likes to be entertained. Save Hugh Jackman for shows like BOY FROM OZ; let Jeff Goldblum do the PILLOWMANs. This river play, simply put, isn’t great. I see the production getting snubbed on Tony night like Bill Murray at the Oscars.

ME: Speaking of Tony predictions? Come on… pleeeaaassseee!

LK: I see a good night for SIDE SHOW, FUN HOME, HAND TO GOD and Helen Mirren. That’s all you’re getting out of me until Spring.