Events leading up to a “close encounter”

4:30 AM      I am awoken. By a scratching noise coming from the corner of the room, competing with my noisy Victorian-era steam radiator.
4:35 AM      The noise stops. Briefly. I convince myself I am middle-of-the-night hallucinating.
4:37 AM      The scratching resumes. It’s coming from the bookshelf. I don’t see anything in the shadows.
4:38 AM      A small but HUGE mouse runs out from behind the bookshelf and goes under a table.
4:38 ½ AM      I’m, like, totally dying.
4:46 AM      I reach a pair of chucks — from my bed, obviously — and put them on, laces and all, before stepping onto the floorboards.
4:47 AM      I tip toe over to the closet and get the broom.
4:48 AM      I stand on a chair — I don’t do well with rodents — and tap against the side of the bookshelf.
Still 4:48 AM      The monster runs out and goes under my desk.
Approximately between 4:48–4:54 AM      I am swushing the broom under the desk like a mad person.
4:50 AM      After thorough inspection and analysis, it appears that the mouse ran out the back door, which had been propped open with that very intention around 4:47 ½ AM (I forgot to mention that).

All kidding aside — like I was at all kidding — I’m pretty traumatized by what calm-attempting friends are calling “a good omen for the new year”, basically, The New Year Mouse.

I can, in a pseudo-sociopathic kind of way, work with that. I’ve never had a visitor in this apartment before, so I was just a bit thrown. Luckily, last night, the creature did not make a repeat appearance.

As you can see from the photo above, it’s that time of year again, the time when I get to — actually, I’m obligated to — judge everyone and everything. Well… okay, I’m really only called upon to judge the performances of fellow thespians. In general, the ones who are rampantly more succesful than I am. That makes a lot of sense. But, YAY. An opportunity to see all of the movies I’ve either been too busy or too cheap to see. They are just starting to roll in via USPS, like late but much appreciated holiday gifts. More to follow on that.

Let’s get to the matter at hand, though. Resolutions. New Year’s resolutions, to be specific. We all start out so dedicated: that extra two days a week at the gym, the more frequent volunteering, reading a new playwright’s work every month — then, we falter. Why? Well, life happens and we get lazy and lose motivation — and January 6th isn’t an especially nice round number for starting something like 1/1. Who knows? Anyway, I think it’s much easier to STOP doing something than it is to add new tasks to our routine. So, let’s go over some “un-resolutions”, some things not to do in the new year if you’re a performer and you’re trying to better yourself.

“Better ourselves!? BET-TER ourselveees? …Mister, when you’re from skid row, ain’t no such thing.” —LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS

DON’TS and DON’TS

DON’T stress about getting into the unions. Keep auditioning and networking, union status will follow.
DON’T convince yourself that a well connected agent will save you like Spiderman, swooping in and getting you director callbacks with Paramount Pictures twice weekly. It’s your job to fashion your career.
DON’T keep using that four-year-old headshot. Yes, you do look different.
DON’T blow off auditions or take auditions you don’t legitimately have time to prepare for. A sloppy audition could prevent a casting director from seeing you for the part that’s perfect for you in the future.
DON’T act like a jerk on set or in rehearsal. Everyone is tired and everyone should be thankful to be working.
DON’T quit your scene study class — or dance class or seminar series. Finish what you started and do what you said you would do.
DON’T spend a lot of money on overrated photographers, website builders or editors. Keep yourself looking professional without blowing your budget.
DON’T keep using the same audition material. What inspires you right now?
DON’T compare yourself to other actors and what’s going on in ther careers. Instead, compare yourself to where you were this time last year.
DON’T waste your time working on projects that you don’t believe in and do nothing to push your artistry into new territory.
DON’T avoid projects that do not pay — you never know what projects might stretch you as an artist or connect you with a future employer.
DON’T not show for appointments and obligations.
DON’T stick with soul-sucking money-jobs that leave you too tired to audition and take classes.
DON’T stay in New York City or Los Angeles if you don’t want to. If you don’t really want it, you’re better suited elsewhere — it’s impossible to make it work in the big city if you’re not fully committed.
DON’T let the great productions in the new year come and go without you seeing them.
DON’T take advice from me or anyone else if you don’t agree with it.
DON’T be closed to types of characters you’ve never played or the challenges of new roles like accents and/or juggling flaming torches.
DON’T forget to keep your receipts for classes and career-related expenses. Any potential write-offs will come in handy for income tax season 2016.
DON’T let your gym memberships go unused or fitness class packages expire.
DON’T neglect your industry contacts for too long — keep in touch with holiday cards and updated information.
DON’T forget that every year is an opportunity to learn a new skill: some basic French, a flawless Irish accent, the unicycle.
DON’T join the circus. Unless you want to.
DON’T miss out on supporting your friends at their performances.
DON’T forget to forgive yourself when you’re imperfect, and forget to not do one of the above.
“DON’T question me, Eddy.” —ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS