I just wrote, “It’s June,” then erased it. Obviously, this blast of impeccable weather has gone straight to my head. If you’re a theatre-fan (and why else would you be here), you may still be reeling from last week’s Tony Nominations, delivered, as always, from Sardis, this year, by celebrity-somehow-still-under-the-radar Mary Louise Parker and Bruce Willis, who (the latter) will be starring in the upcoming Stephen King’s MISERY on Broadway. You may be surprised to hear that my so-said jaded self is actually looking forward to the production, as scary is generally done poorly on stage. Also, us book writers with aspirations for stage adaptions need a win post Grisham-failure TIME TO KILL, which the NY Times took absolutely no time to kill with this opening two lines in the Isherwood review:

“The ceiling fans keep twirling away up there on the stage of the John Golden Theater on Broadway, as if to dispel all the heat and tension gathering in the courtroom where much of “A Time to Kill,” a stage adaptation of the John Grisham novel, takes place. But the producers might have saved a little on the electricity bill.”

I’m also pretty partial to Bruce Willis, who, more often than not, wows me with his understated performance and personal level-headedness (like, when he manages to look graceful walking BEHIND Ashton and Demi at a red carpet event. Well, not anymore…) Total class. Put his bust in the Tom Ford Hall of Near-Perfection.

While I’ve had time to kill, I’ve been thinking about who will walk away with the golden statues this June—and who won’t. As always, I have opinions. So, without further ado, here’s my two cents and then some.

While THE VISIT, which as you know, I kind of liked, received more than a few nominations, I think it has zero chance at the Best Musical Tony. I’m sticking to my guns that the book was weak, despite TM getting his usual nom. And while SOMETHING ROTTEN is popular with the BOOK OF MORMON crowd and AN AMERICAN IN PARIS is prettier than this weather, I feel confident that FUN HOME, a new American Musical, should and probably will win.

Best Play should go to CURIOUS INCIDENT… unless voters are dumbstruck with pretension and go for the too-British WOLF HALL.

Best Musical Revival is a tough category this year. Generally, any revival at all gets a nomination as it’s difficult to even fill the category with contenders. While ON THE TWENTIETH CENTURY and ON THE TOWN are both so well done, I’m assuming Lincoln Center’s lovely THE KING AND I will take it.

I’m also assuming Best Play Revival will go to ELEPHANT MAN, but would be equally happy if SKYLIGHT was recognized.

I think it’s a shoo-in for both Helen Mirren and Bradley Cooper (Leading Actors in a Play). Merchant-Ivory-esque British actors and performers who play differently-abled/gain weight/wear prosthetics to look less fetching, generally win. Sad, but we’ll see if I’m on to something June 7.

As for Best Actress in a Musical…. Bahahahahah, I wouldn’t touch that with a 20-foot pole.

Here are some other predictions:

Leading Actor in a Musical
Michael Cerveris

Best Book of a Musical
FUN HOME (if it goes to TM, I’m quitting theatre)

Best Musical Score
FUN HOME (Sting would be the pity vote)

Best Scenic Design Play
CURIOUS INCIDENT…

Best Costume Design Play
Wolf Hall: Parts 1 and 2

Best Direction Play
CURIOUS INCIDENT…

Best Choreography
AN AMERICAN IN PARIS (though kudos for CI, getting a nomination without even being a musical!)

Best Orchestrations
AN AMERICAN IN PARIS

Most Irritating Co-Hosts After Jim Parsons Declined
Old Bitter-onomy AC & Kristin Chenoweth (who I hope to God sings everything)